Chancellor of The Exchequer George Osborne today announced a raft of new measures to reduce the national debt:
- 50% tax increase on Irn Bru
- 100% VAT on sales of deep fat fryers
- removal of income tax allowances for people with red hair who say 'och'
- official proclamation that 'Billy Connolly is not funny' and 'Roger Moore was the best Bond'
'Although these measures may not be significant in the short term' he said, 'we are confident that by Friday 19th September 2014 they will reduce the cost of the benefits system by about one third.
Meanwhile David Cameron restated his commitment to the union, making Nigel Farage the new Minister for Scotland. 'We believe Mr Farage is the right man for the job' he said 'and with his help we in the Conservative party can look forward to remaining in power for many years to come.'
