Efforts to stigmatise smokers have “crumbled to ash” over the last three months said Labour leader Ed Miliband. He explained that under Toby Blaire, smoking changed from being a regular part of people’s social lives to desolate form of sulking conducted in semi-sheltered doorways. An act of social misfits who would rather mutter in the rain than chat by the water cooler.
Miliband pointed out that thanks to weather manipulation; normal people had been forced back into the outdoors. He said that many had mistakenly started smoking believing that it was the only way to gain entry to beer gardens and alfresco eating areas.
Roy Sunderland- Professor of Public Health at the University of The Isle of Wight- confirmed that smoking rates had tripled. They are around the levels normally found in Mediterranean countries where going outside for a ten minutes and a cigarette is seen as a job perk rather than being sent to the naughty step.
Meanwhile Helen Fletcher, smoking a Havana cigar on the doorstep of the Treasury with several champagne- drinking friends, said “tobacco based tax receipts are through the roof.” She added “just six more weeks of sunshine would clear the deficit.”
Miliband, sat by a water cooler in Labour’s headquarters, alone but for three reporters, stated that if elected he would nationalise Cameron’s Weather control powers and use them for good in stead of evil. “It’s just so unfair” he added.