The secret world of governmental subliminal messaging has been blown wide open today. In what has been described as the biggest government leak since the last one, records show that the Tories have been using Nick Clegg to bore everyone into a state of heightened suggestibility. This has led to some members of the public not only defending government policy but also considering voting Tory or Lib Dem in the next election.
'Under investment in Clegg's personality has enabled David Cameron to manipulate the deputy prime minister' Ed Miliband said. 'So every time they have an unpopular policy to launch, they get him to discuss it in detail which after 5 minutes, puts most people into a catatonic trance.' It is at this point the secret messages are believed to be transmitted. Some extracts from recent speeches from the deputy PM have uncovered his secret tactics. All of the delegates at one particular meeting seemed bored to the point of being hypnotized.
'Clearly, we don't want to push anyone into poverty' Clegg said to an audience as they rapidly fell asleep. 'Unless it is to help mine and Dave's rich mates, in which case you agree with us' he slipped in talking to the now unconscious group. No one in that meeting could remember exactly what had happened, but they all seemed sure a work experience kid had said austerity was OK. Tests had been taking place to see if Clegg had Derren Brown style powers, but after six hours looking at Clegg all the scientist conceded was that cuts in medical research budgets were fully justified.