‘The new GCHQ paywall heralds a brave new world of electronic surveillance,’ said Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘Now, for just £100 million you get complete access to everything we know.’
According to their adverts, the new service offers, ‘the very latest premier league wire taps, clandestine ops and, of course, every text, email and phone call that anyone ever makes. All sent direct to your own phone, tablet or home computer. No need to tell us your details. We already know.’
The decision follows the recent success of GCHQ Atlantic, a subscription only back-channel that provides premium content to America’s National Security Agency.
‘Our relationship with the NSA has been so successful we decided it was only fair to roll out the service to everyone,’ said Mr Hague. ‘There’s already plenty of interest from other potential customers: Russia, China, Iran, News International. They’re all very keen.’
In addition to domestic surveillance, GCHQ+ will also offer British subscribers a chance to experience all the latest hits from America, including the award winning data collection service PRISM.
'Traditionally the problem with secret surveillance has been making it pay,’ explained intelligence expert George Smiley. ‘A GCHQ paywall could be the answer, although they will face stiff competition from the growing number of free content providers such as Wikileaks and Edward Snowden.’
‘The alternative would have been advertising, but that really doesn’t work,’ said Smiley. ‘You can’t secretly tap someone’s phone and then interrupt their conversation every five minutes with GoCompare adverts. People start to get suspicious.’
GCHQ+ also hopes to widen its appeal with a new celebrity surveillance service, GCHQ Hello! ‘The public don’t just want to hear about all those nasty terrorist threats,’ said Mr Hague. ‘Our new Eavesdropper App will send out all the latest gossip about the rich and famous direct to your phone, although I should say my torrid affair with Angelina Jolie will continue to remain a state secret.’
Mr Hague rejected claims that GCHQ+ represents a major threat to civil liberties. ‘Of course we’re aware of the concerns and we will listen to people’s comments. They won’t necessarily know we’re listening, but we are.’