“If some of our “go home illegal immigrants” vans were to accidentally reverse into the windows of a few shops typically frequented by illegal immigrants, things could escalate with alarming speed.” warned Immigration Minister Mark Harper at a constituency meeting. “History warns us how the sight and sound of breaking glass can have an instant effect on public mood. Areas in Tower Hamlets could be littered with glass from selected shop fronts, as mobs, rightly angered by the level of illegal immigration encouraged by Gordon Brown, regrettably took matters into their own hands and attacked the businesses of traders willing to accept illegal immigrants as their customers.”
Mr Harper went on to warn East Londoners that smartly uniformed police officers on the beat would be very busy checking selected passengers Oyster Cards at nearby tube stations known for high levels of illegal immigration. “Our brave police, some wearing shiny knee length boots, would be able to do nothing to stop this justifiable outbreak of lawless window smashing, likely to take place over two nights later in the year. They’ll be too busy checking identity cards. The boots are standard issue for officers riding powerful BMW (Bayerische Motoren Werke) motorcycles.”
It’s understood some Asian-themed convenience stores have already taken the precaution of displaying high levels of Daily Mail marketing material in their shop windows. Mr Harper responded “Let me say now this will be no deterrent to the planned lawlessness, as we have detailed online intelligence from America about which shops are likely to be attacked by unpredictable Conservative voters, enraged at the way our borders have been violated.”
It’s understood a Conservative rally will take place on Hackney Wick in the second week of November, with entertainment by Billy Crystal. The star will sing a few songs and chat as part of a show Tory sources are calling Crystal Night, and talk about his new movie Monsters Tattoo Ink. But Mr Harper denies any connection between the Crystal rally and eerily similar spontaneous events in Germany and Austria that took place seventy five years previously to the very day.
“This will be a celebration of our social and cultural values. Mr Gove has suggested we pitch big tents over the period to show off our “Work Makes Free” Schools. Pupils bivouacking on Hackney Wick will show off their high levels of educational effort in what the Education Secretary is cleverly calling “Concentration Camps’”