In response to a shortage of the drug, pentobarbital, the state of Texas has decided to employ live footage of the 86th Academy Awards to euthanize Death Row inmates. A Department of Criminal Justice spokesman said: "Using comedic material by Ms. DeGeneres will provide a humane but lethal cocktail of mediocrity".
Pharmaceutical companies had previously objected to their epilepsy drug being used for capital punishment, but could see no ethical reasons why the "mind numbing spectacle of the Oscars" could not serve as a deadly alternative. "We had experimented with forcing prisoners to watch paint dry," explained one Prison Governor. "but that was a fairly laborious process and lacked an opportunity for song and dance numbers".
Ellen DeGeneres has long championed a "dulling of the senses" with her chat show and her previous stint as an Oscar host had been likened to "Dr. Kevorkian without the zest for life". "I am so excited to be hosting the Oscars for the second time. You know what they say - the third time's the charm," joked the presenter, to an eerily silent room. The Criminal Justice spokesman said: "Allowing inmates to drift into a soporific state, while the brain atrophies is what the Oscars is about. Oh, that and the live orchestra, themed buffet and the pretence that the host is the only homosexual in the room."