The government will introduce compulsory training in hand-wringing for all teachers and social workers from now on.
Introducing the changes, the health secretary, Jeremy Hunt, said: 'It is important for the public to know that when yet another child is murdered, the teachers and social workers involved feel sad about it. So they will all have to go on a course where they are taught to say that they didn't realise there was a problem, and if there was they did all they could, i.e. nothing, and now they are very sorry, but it wasn't their fault.'
A spokesperson for teachers and social workers said: 'We promise to learn lessons from this, it says here. Now excuse us, but we're going on holiday for several weeks, by which time all this will have been forgotten and more children will be murdered.'