The government yesterday rejected a last ditch plan to rescue the country’s failing wank banks. The banks have been under sustained pressure from a steady stream of withdrawals, following imminent plans to introduce curbs to on-line pornography.
Many of these banks are expected to close their doors, as the inability to sustain a regular flow of bank-worthy deposits puts them at risk. Polishers of the sausage have experienced a heady few years, with a seemingly endless stream of cheap readily available credit. Many thought the good times would last forever.
Many of the wank bankers are looking for alternative sources of deposit, such as lingerie catalogues, lads-mags and even real life experiences. Some have considered resorting to ‘relationships’ – the so called ‘wank bank of last resort’. However, for a population of wank bankers bought up on a diet of readily available pornography, the future looks increasing bleak.
One young man we spoke to, a student at Manchester University emphasized the concerns he has over his future and the strain he is now under: ‘I actually found myself studying the other day; the bank was empty, and I had nowhere else to turn but my books. I can’t see a way through this dire situation. I’ve lost all hope.’
With tears in his eyes, he reached for the depleted stock of tissues: "I guess its time to tighten our belts'.