Conservative junior immigration minister Marcus Laing admitted he asked the driver of a “go home illegal immigrants” van to give him a lift home to his Belgravia flat, prompting criticism of improper use of government transport. But Mr Laing has hit back at critics, saying the driver offered him a lift, and he took it as an opportunity to get some feedback about the scheme.
The driver, Mike Smart said “It was a big mistake. I was driving round East London like I was told to, leaning out of the windows and shouting ‘go home the lot of you’ to anyone who looked, you know, illegal immigranty. Cos that’s what the job entails, basically. I mean we’ve had special training to identify areas where there are illegal immigrants, and we’ve got a special colour chart which goes from “English Rose” to “Oy, you, I’m not driving this van for me ‘ealth, fuck off to where you came from or let me call you a special G4S taxi to Gatwick.”
Mr Smart continued: “So I spot this geezer like in a pinstripe whistle, but that don’t fool no-one. Cos according to my chart and his face, there was a fair chance he was one of the 106 weekly arrests we’ve been told to create by phoning the filth once we’ve seen a likely Paki, I mean guest what has outstayed his fucking welcome. So I shout the familiar can’t you read English? Followed by the invitation for him to fuck off home to Wonga Wonga land or face the contsablequences. Then Mr Dark Brown, as we might call him, called out in what I can only describe as a Conservative Front Bench voice “Well actually, home for me is just off Eaton Place, and I would be more than obliged if you could give me a lift, doncha know.”
“And it’s like only after he’s hopped up into the cab, requested the radio gets tuned in to Classic FM and made hisself comfy that I realise he’s like the Junior Choice Minister and to all intents and purposes my boss. And the facial-hue discrepancy is down to him just having returned from an All Party Group, All In, All You Can Eat All Expenses Paid fact finding mission to somewhere I’ve never heard of, where he spent “a lot of time outdoors in the sun in relation to an environmental study.”
“I have already assured a senior government figure that no money changed hands,” Mr Smart concluded. “And as it happened, on returning to my duties on Tower Hamlets I had a minor accident involving collision with a non-UK looking geezer who clearly needed a refresher membership of the Tufty Club. So it wasn’t an entirely wasted evening. Just a little bump, and no I didn’t stop. Mostly, the law turns a blind eye to these little connections with our target audience, as you might put it. I mean we’ve been told not to have too many of these accidents, because they could cause a strain on A and E. Though the closest one’s now closed. It’s an interesting job, and very varied.”