The Co-operative have sent a 'serious warning' to the likes of Nuts, Zoo and Loaded today, insisting they will 'refuse to stock their magazines', unless current front covers of scantily-clad supermodels are replaced with 'suggestive and indecent images' of former Conservative politician Ann Widdecombe within six weeks, in a bid to 'scare the living daylights' out of impressionable boys.
The three magazines, which collectively sell over one-million copies per-month, will be instructed to package their future magazines in 'Widdecombe Safety Bags', that will supposedly 'shield innocent eyes' from the racey pictures within. The bags, which each month will feature a new image of the ex-MP and novelist in 'awkwardly suggestive poses', will, according a Co-op spokesperson, be a 'strong enough deterrent' against youngsters harbouring inappropriate ideas on sex.
'If you were trying to scare your child away from drinking alcohol, you would pick the most disgusting beverage available, like Special Brew or Ouzo. This is no different', said a Co-op spokesperson. 'Do you think your ten-year-old will have any interest in sex whatsoever if he believed it involved a naked and awkward encounter with Ann Widdecombe? My guess would be no'.
Dominic Smith, editor of the hugely popular Nuts magazine, said: 'This could effectively put us out of business. We've already received our first image of Ann for next month's issue, winking and blowing a kiss to the camera in a worryingly small lacey number. It's a deeply intense image, I'll tell you that much. But we've done some pretty remarkable things with an air-brush on Jodie Marsh in the past, so we accept the challenge'.