It’s a newspaper feature like no other – instantly recognisable, eminently readable, fascinatingly distasteful. But now the Mail Online’s sidebar of shame is to get its own sidebar of even greater shame. The sidebar-bar will feature SHOCKING pictures showing more close up cellulite on B list thighs; greater concern over whether underage teenage daughters of the not so famous SHOULD be so skimpily dressed and fuller coverage of ex models’ struggles with weight loss, late night alcohol, partially-shaven reality TV stars and cosmetic surgery.
“We’re promising to reflect Middle England’s moral confusion, xenophobia, self hatred and unhealthy obsessions with even greater coverage of the pert, the flirt and the skirt,” said new Mail Online Featured Editor Lucipher McBeezelbub. “And when we say skirt we mean more like a BELT. We’re promising high octane fuel for moral disgust, and when we say “wardrobe malfunction” we don’t mean a little key stuck in the lock. Alongside the normal sidebar of shame we’re offering a new sidebar guaranteed to offer more celebrity NIPPLE and celebrity worse the wear for TIPPLE.” The sidebar-sidebar is also expected to feature MORE capital letters for the easily-outraged, the slow reader and the hard of hearing, which make up 80% of the Mail’s readership.
However, Mail Online sources deny planning a sidebar of sidebar of sidebar of shame, fearing this might crowd out the mainstream site’s coverage of house prices and immigration.