The Church of England's plans to 'take down' payday lender Wonga by offering people a 'cheaper alternative', will come with its downsides, admitted the the Archbishop of Canterbury today. The Christian church, who today released the first promotional video for the its new 'revolutionary credit facility', features the Almighty God himself, who claims their punishments for late payments will be 'much more severe' than Wonga's, ensuring nobody will 'even dare get into debt'.
God, who says Wonga's 'wimpy legal approach' to debt collection is the major cause of payday loan misuse, insists that his plans to deal with overdue accounts, which can include a 'bout of arse cancer, severe gingivitis and eventually eternal damnation', will act as a 'strong enough deterrent' against late payments, effectively wiping out Britain's loan debt crisis.
'If you knew that falling behind on your loan instalments would cause the death of one hundred adorable puppies somewhere in the world, would you still miss the payment? No, you wouldn't', explains God in the glitzy three minute promo. 'Our interest rates will be ten times lower than the lowest rate currently on offer, which allows us to be a little more creative with our debt collection practices, which in turn will result in fewer debt cases. It's genius', added God.
The CoE have also previewed its new TV commercial, which has already been approved by the Advertising Standards Agency, and tells the contrasting stories of two separate Church of England loan customers. The first customer, who had difficulties affording a hefty MOT and service bill, is seen being approved at his local church credit union, before promptly paying 'just 5% back' the following week.
The commercial then concludes with the story of customer number two, who is approved for a loan of £200, 'just to fund his un-Godlike lifestyle of champagne and fast cars', for which he refuses to repay, resulting in his gruesome death from anus lesions and gangrene of the penis.