The Royal couple, His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Philip Louis, Duke of Cambridge, Earl of Strathearn, Baron Carrickfergus, Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, Knight of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle, Personal Aide-de-Camp to Her Majesty The Queen and his wife Kate took the opportunity to snipe at failings of the nurses and hospital staff during their press conference to mark the birth of their son Darren (8 stone 6 lbs).
Whilst both new parents described their care at Lewisham Maternity Unit as 'acceptable' they fell short of the usual insincere gushing praise that royalty usually doles out on hospital staff. A spokesman for Clarence House described the usual protocol in such situations as "some sort of nod to the fact that working class people are ok if you give them the chance, not all of them but the servile ones" but revealed that the Duke and Duchess had decided to "forgo protocol, move with the times, and moan a bit about their stay".
"We were kept waiting over 3 hours for a bed" revealed Kate, "and when one became free we found that the pillows were stuffed with goose, not swan, feathers. Then they told us that the birthing pool had a puncture and unless I could push out the kid in under a minutes that there was little point in trying to use it. Cigarette hole caused that and Camilla apologised but really, what sort of hospital doesn't have backup pools?".
William too fell short of simpering platitudes by admitting that during the birth many of the doctors "quite forgot how to address both myself and the misses" and that the nearest vending machine had run out of both Cadburys boost bars and bacon flavoured wheat crunchies, however he did reveal that "for what it's worth they did all seem to know what they were doing and we didn't have one of those 'Australian radio DJ' moments so that's a bonus."
The head of Lewisham Maternity Dr Louise Freedman told reporters that "baby and parents are in good health, and apart from the mix-up with the new born name tags when we took the nipper off for weighing in, there were no complications. I mean all babies look the same and these things happen. Pretty sure we reunited them with the right one. Looked we're all really very tired and overworked.
Healthcare management took the opportunity to extend their "appreciation for putting Lewisham on the map" and announced they would reward the unit with immediate restructuring, job losses, and a special thank you cake baked using a recipe from Pippa Middleton's forthcoming 'Baby Cash In Celebration' book.