Much of Britain is on tenterhooks today as it looks forward to the publishing of Jan Moir’s first opinion piece since the birth of the new royal baby yesterday.
A steady crowd of onlookers and well-wishers has been gathering outside the paper’s headquarters at Northcliffe House, Kensington, desperate for a glimpse of Ms Moir’s new execrable rant.
‘I’ve been here all night’ said Mavis Swanson, 68 of Bedford. ‘Everyone’s so excited. Will it just be mildly bitter and unpleasant, or will she go for something really spiteful and demented? I can’t wait to find out’
Visiting American tourist Eileen Schafenberger also commented, ‘I’m so thrilled to be in your country at the moment. In America, we love ill-informed, petty prejudice almost as much as we love your royal family. It’s an honour to be a part of such an incredible moment of fetid and resentful history.’
There has been much debate on exactly when the column will be published, however such events always have to follow strict royal protocol, as John Plumley, head of narrow-minded maliciousness at Luton University explains,
‘It’s very difficult to speculate but I imagine we can expect it shortly after the Duchess appears on the front steps of the hospital for the first time. This will give Jan just enough time to dash off 500 words, wholly without irony, on how the Duchess’s choice of shoes and earrings clearly proves what a vain, attention seeking tramp she really is. Then, according to traditional protocol, the article will be passed through Paul Dacre’s digestive system, before being attached to an easel made from traditional English oak and disappointment for all to enjoy.’
Even Britain’s bookmakers have been getting in on the act. Ladbrokes is currently offering odds of 5-1 that the column will be ‘vindictive’, 2-1 on it being ‘rancid’ and evens on it being ‘Unintelligible bullshit’