The Armed Forces announced today it had begun to implement ‘Operation Desert Porn’ – a massive plan to distribute pre-digital pornographic ‘magazines’ to porn-starved citizens throughout the UK.
To prevent panic-buying and scenes of disorder and chaos at UK adult shops, the military has opened up the nation’s emergency porno stash, locked in a vault at a secure location in North Scotland, and will be loading up helicopters for an emergency airlift to all corners of the country.
‘Operation Desert Porn has been ready ever since those moralising pricks the Tories got elected,’ said a military spokesman. ‘We stand ready to saturate this nation with a tidal wave of good old- fashioned filth that should keep the country going for a few months or so.’
He emphasised these were emergency measures only and that printed photographic porn images could only go so far.
‘We recognise that dirty mags are a very poor substitute for good, quality hi-speed broadband- streamed depravity - a very, very poor substitute,’ said the grim-faced Colonel, ‘but desperate times and all that. And these are truly desperate, desperate times.’
‘The UK has some of the most committed filth-mongers in the world and they’re likely to get very bored with old school mag porn within a matter of weeks – probably sooner’ he warned. ‘I would urge the Prime Minister to opt the entire nation ‘fucking well IN’ to the porno grid as soon as possible to prevent complete and utter social disintegration’
Meanwhile the German and Dutch bloc of the EU warned the UK that good quality porn was a 'basic human right like air and water' and said they were on standby with billions of megs of the best quality Swedish and Czech should they receive a request through the proper channels.
The German Broadcasting Minister added 'it's A-grade, class A stuff - no really, it's truly mind-blowing.'
Military ‘On Standby’ To Distribute Emergency Dirty Mags To Citizens
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The Armed Forces announced today it had begun to implement ‘Operation Desert Porn’ – a massive plan to distribute pre-digital pornographic ‘magazines’ to porn-starved citizens throughout the UK.Posted 3 years ago #
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