Controversial plans to reintroduce celery into the Scottish Highlands have been shelved following problems over funding for the scheme.
Celery, which can grow up to 18" long was driven out of Scotland along with other seasonal salad stuff around 150 years ago and has rarely been seen north of the border since
The scheme, currently being carried out by RHS in conjunction with Unnatural Scotland has been criticised by farmers who fear the reintroduction of celery may have harmful long-term psychological effects on livestock.
It is said just the smell of a single stick can cause a fully grown Aberdeen Angus to behave as though it has been struck down with Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (BSE). Cattle are also known to develop similar characteristics too.
The last recorded sighting of celery was in the back garden of a bungalow just outside Inverness in 1932 and although it has since made sporadic visits to the Borders, it has never managed to regain a foothold.
Fears celery had somehow found it's way into the cooking pot of an East Kilbride soup kitchen in 1965 turned out to be a false alarm when the offending ingredient reassuringly turned out to be the legs off an old deck-chair.
But it is by no means all bad news for Unnatural Scotland.
A survey carried out to determine whether the reintroduction would be welcomed by the people of Glasgow met with surprisingly encouraging results.
When one elderly churchgoer was asked if he would like to see an increase in celery, he replied 'Aye - of course I would you scunny bastard...I cannae get by on this gobshite pension they keeps on a given' mae. Any increase would bae more than welcome.
Now f**k off, ye sassanech feggle'.
Although at no point did he say 'aye, th' noo'
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Celery to be reintroduced into Scottish Highlands
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