The Royal Family have released a statement to the waiting world today, praising the efforts of medical staff at St Mary's Hospital for their 'attentive and professional care' in recent days, and have strongly emphasised their joy and relief at the baby's 'narrow avoidance' of the dreaded 'Charles Ears Syndrome'.
The hereditary condition, first discovered back in 1948, was named after its first victim, Prince Charles, and is said to cause 'rapid and disproportionate growth of ones ears to the point of absolute absurdity'. Prior to the birth, doctors had warned the Royal couple that the new monarch faced a daunting 70% chance of contracting the condition, and that they should 'prepare themselves' for an onslaught of funny tabloid caricature drawings.
Dr. Florent Perrier, an ear specialist flown in from Paris to inspect the baby moments after birth, explained his first job was to ensure the baby's ears were not 'comically disproportionate to the rest of the body'. Speaking outside the hospital, the specialist said: 'Early test results indicate that the Royal baby does not look like a spaniel, allowing me to conclude that the Charles Ears Syndrome has mercifully skipped another generation. Go out and celebrate, my work here is done'.
Arriving at the hospital, Prince Charles, who has said in recent years that the condition 'blighted his childhood', has expressed his 'utter relief' at the news. 'As well as two marrow sized ears, I've been carrying with me a tremendous sense of guilt, knowing I could pass this horrid thing on', said the new grandfather. ' I was affected so badly as I child that I was unable to play in winds over 20mph through fear I would take off. I was told that I could have been an Olympic sprinter, but my massive lug holes would always act as big flappy air brakes'.