Every household in the UK is to have endless, vacuous reporting of the birth and infancy of the Royal baby blocked by their internet provider unless they choose to receive it, David Cameron has announced.
In a speech, the prime minister warned that salacious, intrusive and degrading images of the Royal baby and its mother were 'about to take over the internet' and that immediate measures were necessary to protect the sanity of the reasonable.
'Without immediate action, this country will become a worldwide hub for the oversentimentalisation of some photos of a woman and her baby,' he warned. 'Millions will have their innocence ruined - they will be forever unable to see that these photographs are really very boring, and that actually nothing other than the fact that this baby exists is any of their f*cking business.'
Mr Cameron also called for some 'horrific' internet search terms to be 'blacklisted', so that no results would be produced for searches such as 'Kate Middleton weight', 'William Kate baby happy photos long lens' and 'Duchess Cambridge pretty dress lovely gorgeous style icon Diana ooh aaah'.
Millions of existing computer users will be contacted by their internet providers and told they must decide whether to active a 'brain filter' to restrict inane material. Customers will be offered two options - 'A baby's a baby, who gives a sh*t' or 'No, I am a slack-jawed moron who needs to continue receiving tedious crap about the Cambridge heir in order to find a substitute for purpose in my life'. Those who choose neither will automatically be categorised as sensible and have access to the Daily Mail website switched off completely.
Mr Cameron acknowledged that this would overestimate the emotional capacity of 'a large proportion' of the population to cope without at least an hourly dose of Kate-themed journalistic shit, but he insisted that such a draconian step was the 'only way' to prevent the collective national intellect from dwindling to almost nothing. 'And that's a real concern after what I've let Michael Gove do to the education system, remember,' he said.