The expected announcement that UK internet providers will block access to pornography by default has led to warnings that the move will leave the nation’s estimated 30 million smartphones as ‘basically expensive pieces of plastic that occasionally make a ringing noise’.
‘What’s the point in having an iPhone if it doesn’t give me the ability to watch filth from any hotel room in the country?’ asked Simon Harris, a sales rep from Derby. ‘I’ve spent the last two years constantly posting drivel on Facebook from my phone, all to disguise the fact that the only reason I really wanted a smartphone was so I had 24 hour access to free porn from anywhere in the country. I even set up a twitter account. Now you’re telling me that’s all been wasted? I might as well sell the stupid thing now, at least then I could use the money to buy a load of dirty magazines.’
Mobile phone recycling sites such as Envirofone and Mazuma Mobile are bracing themselves for an influx of unwanted smartphones as men gradually all migrate back to old Nokias.
‘I’m pretty sure that I’ve still got a Nokia 3210 in a drawer at home.’ continued Mr Harris, ‘That was a great phone with the only real drawback being that you couldn’t watch porn on it. Now that every other phone is going to have the same problem I might as well go back to it. Snake was loads better than Angry Birds anyway. I’ll just tell the wife that it’s ‘retro-cool’ or some rubbish like that.’
In the wake of the announcement the ongoing rollout of the 4G network has been put on hold, as the main reason for it was faster access to pornography.