Wealthy businesspeople, many of them Conservative voters, are to get tax relief for the release of trapped wind, which could help keep energy prices down. Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne described the scheme as “explosively interesting”.
An animated graphic showing how these valuable gasses might be released has yet to be unveiled, because the images are, it’s understood “ too graphic.” The theory is that the ingress of rich human foods into the systems of many Tory supporters creates valuable flammable gases, which then get uncomfortably but usefully trapped in their systems. Scientists have described a process called “flatting” in which the flatulence is harvested by forcing special bicarbonate and magnesium-based chemicals into the digestive tracts, sometimes diluted by carbonated water and special high value alcoholic formulae.
“What happens next is still unpredictable, with a build up of gases suddenly released at either end of the alimentary pathway,” explained Lana Jacobs of British Human Gas. “The force with which the gas is released can itself turn a small turbine, but what we call “anterior released” gasses also have high flammable content. Anyone who has been a boarder at a minor public school knows only too well what can happen. There’s always a risk of accidental soil movement at this stage, nullifying the process and causing local environmental damage.” It’s understood film of such an environmental accident , involving an unnamed Conservative MP, Eric Pickles, was briefly available on You Tube but was removed after a gagging order.
The Department of Trade and Industry wants to back further research into the viability of the scheme by providing tax breaks to those who show signs of creating high yield benefits, allowing them to experiment with what makes the best and safest way to create these gases. “Those involved with this potential new dawn in gas production face huge risk, financially and socially. They deserve maximum taxpayer support, rather than the predictable “Not in My Back Yard” response from the public,” said the Chancellor.