As Britain continues to swelter under the sun, we take you through our top ten tips to stay cool in this hot hot hot weather:
1) Offer to do the shopping for an elderly friend or relative. The chilled aisles in supermarkets are a fantastic way to stay cool for free. And remember, the more upmarket the store, the cooler you'll feel.
2) Take yourself to your nearest hand car wash. For a fiver you can rely on a sweaty bunch of Bulgarians to jet wash you happy. You'll come away buffed to a fine finish too.
3) Take up devil worshipping. Prancing around naked on open moorland at midnight is great way to cool off in the evening.
4) Make friends with a Russian oligarch. You never know when you might appreciate a cooling downdraught from the rotors on that top of the range private helicopter.
5) Wrap a wet tea towel around your head. Note: Try to avoid EDL and anti-terrorist squads.
6) Go and lie naked on a cold leather sofa: best not tried in IKEA
7) Stuff bags of frozen peas down your trousers : not only keeps you cool, but at the end of the day you have ready-cooked veg to hand. Probably.
8) Drink lager instead of ale. This is the only time it is acceptable but you may have to explain to the chaps in the pub that you haven't turned gay.
9) Encourage your council highways division to dig up the High Street again. Enjoy the 3 storey high fountain as they inevitably rupture the water main yet again.
10) Eat a lorry load of hot chillies. Will it work? No. Will we wet ourselves laughing as you're carted off to hospital? Yes.