The Met Office raised its alert level from 'tan time' to 'get the fuck indoors' today after Brighton beach-goer Alan Blanch was left 'cheated' and 'in need of a sturdy napkin' after his £2.80 Summer Fruits Calippo inexplicably melted in blistering 22.5 degree temperatures before he had a chance to enjoy it. Left with nothing but a cardboard tube of molten gloop, Alan, 45, wasted no time in calling the Met Office, despite knowingly breaching the minute-allowance on his phone contract, to update them on his situation.
After hearing the gritty details of the incident, Met Office officials instantly raised it's warning level from orange to red, an official instruction to 'just ditch the slow elderly and seek an air conditioning unit'. Martyn Baker, chief meteorologist at the Met, said: 'We had to work fast. We worked on the logic that, if a solid block of orange ice could melt, then what on earth could happen to a man's face? I for one was not prepared to find out, so we declared a state of emergency and advised the country to remain indoors until at least Halloween'.
Praised for his actions, Simon Froom, who took the call from the emotional holidayer at the weather service's Exeter headquarters, said: 'I've had years of training. I've helped people through blizzards, raging floods and some seriously bitchin' storms, but nothing prepared me for today. I binned our Mildly Beleaguered Customer Script and just worked on pure instinct. My first task was to insist to Mr Blanch that dousing his stricken refreshment in after-sun would in no way resolve the situation, and that he needed to just cut his losses and head for shelter'.