“We seem to have learned nothing from the badger fiasco”, laments Greenpeace spokesman Jason Bailey. “Just one Royal, even a very small one, has incalculable effects on the biosphere”.
He is horrified at the massive carbon output of the Far Eastern Royal baby souvenir industry, plus the fuel emissions created by the horde of photographers who must follow each member of the family everywhere from when they're born until they're too old to leave the house.
Mr Bailey is leading a campaign to have condom vending machines installed at Buckingham Palace. “I'm sure the Queen will have no objection if she gets a decent cut of the revenue”, he says. “And 'Is Your Baby Really Necessary?' flyers could be put through all Royal letterboxes”.
However, all is not doom and gloom. Mohamed Al Fayed has provided some comfort with his revelation that Prince Philip is plotting to “cull” several members of his extended family with a deer rifle, or possibly a whaling harpoon.