The once great industrial city has been saddled with debts of at least $15bn after a series of audacious bets related to the Royal delivery. The Office of the Mayor of Detroit was forced to release a statement confirming that 70,000 properties and sizable pension funds had been gambled on the Duchess of Cambridge giving birth on July 15th to a "ginger".
With the collapse of its thriving automobile industry, Detroit had staved off liquidation by accurately predicting changes in domestic politics. Banking deregulation had allowed the city to use public funds to speculate with Ladbrokes on the frequency of high school massacres, "socialism" becoming a dirty word and the presidency transforming into a hereditary monarchy. Unfortunately increased pressure by creditors and the failed “proposition bet” that the first black President would be OJ Simpson, forced the city into speculating on UK long-odds events.
What should have been a straight forward due date, has become a protracted process for the British people. Ancient prophecies of “no rain, economic recovery or variation in tabloid front pages” until the arrival of the royal child have proven true. PM David Cameron has already expressed regret in agreeing not to wash, help the needy or evacuate his bowels for the entire gestation period. There have been reports cannibalism and pagan rites among the camping members of the foreign press association. While daily, Michael Gove has ordered a dozen academy school children to be ritually sacrificed to appease Celtic fertility gods.
Detroit has one last “parlays” bet still in play. Provided in the next two years we see a Lib Dem Government, England win Brazil 2014 and the British economy bailed out by the Greeks; then the “Motor City” will win big. As for the Royal Birth, the nation is still on tender-hooks with Paddypower offering 9-1 on a phantom pregnancy generated by the weight of public expectation, 13-1 on “trapped wind” brought on by too much cheap larger or 5-3 on the bump being weight gain resulting from Kate’s penchant for “pork scratchings”.