The Metropolitan Police have called on DCI John Luther to track down the member of the Kardashian family currently killing for media attention.
London’s most ruthless officer has previous with such villainy, however in those cases the crimes actually attracted widespread coverage, unlike the current murders which seem to appeal only to teenage girls.
The Kardashian family are well known for hogging most of the E! Network’s channels across the US and UK despite having no discernible talent, however this is the first time they have stopped dying for attention and started killing.
Their lack of intelligence has already been highlighted by the fact they have filmed every attack, sometimes even tipping of paparazzi as to where they will be doing it, despite having their own live-in camera crew.
Speculation is mounting that Kim Kardashian, famous for... well something I think, is the mastermind behind the attacks due to the decline in media attention after giving her child North West the most ridiculous name since Adele called her daughter 24.
While almost universally ridiculed for their uselessness, the Kardashian family are exceptionally popular in China - where they are held up by the state as the perfect advert for the one child rule. They are also massive amongst the poverty ridden underclass, where “if a Kardashian can make it, anyone can” is a popular saying.
Luther was called in to investigate the case, despite it being cut-and-dry, due to his propensity for torture and “accidentally” murdering the perpetrators.
A spokesman for E! attempted to deny the family’s involvement, saying they were too busy filming their new series “Even the Police Can’t Keep Up with the Kardashians”.