In a leaked message today, it has emerged that the Queen has commanded Kate to give birth to something by the end of today.
Her Majesty's message to Kate reads: 'As sovereign of the Commonwealth and Ruler of what's left of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and the nice bits of Northern Ireland, I hereby order and command you to give birth by the end of today.
'Your continuing failure to become a mother is becoming a real embarrassment to me, and I have actually had common people ask me when the damn thing is going to come out, not to mention Phil The Greek threatening to come round to your place with a pair of sugar tongs and a torch to help things along. I'm also fed up with all the cameras and foreigners outside Buck House, which is why I'm off to the wilds of Scotland just as soon as the sprog appears.
'So get on with it, girl! I'll be watching the news tonight with interest, if you get my meaning. The pink teddy bear is waiting to be handed over.
'Granny-in-law Liz ('Your Majesty' to you!)'