The Home Secretary today announced that the reporting of crime had dropped by 7.8% in the last year.
Theresa May said today that she was very pleased with the way that people had stopped reporting crime so much, as it meant less for the police to do in between going to conferences and moonlighting as security consultants.
She said: 'I hope this trend will continue, so that the police only get to hear about really really serious crimes, like singing Happy Birthday at children's parties. What sort of scum would even think about something like that!'
Deputy Chief Assistant Constable Sir Robert Howroyd said: 'Don't print this, but it doesn't matter whether anyone reports a crime or not, as we never do anything about it unless it gets on the telly.'