Schools minister Mr Michael Gove has announced another innovative strategy to improve the education system and to make more efficient use of all the high tech blackboards that are now white.
All English schools, starting next term, will operate three 8 hour shifts per day. This will provide an immediate increase in classroom capacity of 300% and therefore all school rebuilding projects can be cancelled.
Any areas in desperate need of a leaky roof fixing can simply be locked up and forgotten about for a while, or left to be fixed by those ex-pupils doing community service. Expensive lab equipment will now get used before it is obsolete and it will also benefit the rats in the school canteen who will get round the clock care and attention.
The timetables are being worked on now, so both staff and pupils will be advised which shift they have been allocated during the summer break (early, late, or night shift) and the policy of hot desking will then begin straight away with bunsen burners on at all times.
Asked if pupils and teachers will get any time off, Mr Gove explained “Of course! Schools will be closed on Sundays for cleaning and maintenance. We’re not slave drivers. I’ll have that packed lunch off you as well boy.”
Shares in Kenco and Nescafe jumped 23% after the news was released, but fell back later when it was revealed that Red Bull would also be available in school vending machines.
Often described as an “always connected” or “always on” society, this has never before been reflected in school life. Not any more - teachers will also be on call 24hrs just like doctors used to be, ready to provide assistance with homework via skype, twitter or IRC for nerdy types.
Some services not easily split into three shifts will remain on normal days (i.e. the school nurse, if you can find one, will remain useless).
Teachers and pupils will need to provide their own computers next term, the ones owned by the school having been bugged by Microsoft and the NSA and now rendered too slow to use because the built-in camera always seems to be on.