Swans do not have souls and can therefore be consumed by vegans with the Queen's permission, reports confirm.
Experts at the Wildlife Research Institute subjected nature's river-mincing fancy pants to a series of tests to determine their emotional response to external stimuli. A positive correlation can be drawn between emotional reaction in animals and the presence of a soul.
To determine levels of guilt, for example, swans were forced to administer electrical shocks to their spouse and discuss their feelings afterwards. One such participating swan responded in saying "forget the whining bitch, where's my fee?"
All test results came out negative, comfirming the presence of no soul amongst swans.
Since the results were leaked to animal welfare activitsts, there have been instances of swan theft carried out by vegans across the UK. Traditional veganism dictates that "any living organism without the capacity to think, feel and cry at Al Gore films is safe for human consumption."
Police findings confirmed the vegans as suspects, following the discovery of white feathers, poorly made wooden jewellry and discarded petitions along several of the UK's major waterways.
Until today, swan consumption has been illegal in the United Kingdom, each one personally belonging to the Queen, that is, until reform to legislation was passed this morning.
According to a statment issued to the press by Buckingham Palace, "they're welcome to them. Have you seen a vegan up close? Jesus Christ, they look nackered. Put some meat in them, for God's sake."