A new scandal has rocked the sex film industry as the subtitle writer for thousands of foreign videos has admitted he was just making it up as he went along and "hadn't the foggiest idea" what the actors were saying. In the biggest product recall in porn history, all DVDs with his dialogue on them are to be collected and pulped.
"I just can't believe he could do this to us" says devastated Swedish actress Linda Johansson. "I give my lines, how you say in England, 110 per cent. And all for nothing!"
Meanwhile, heartbroken screenwriter Olaf Arvidsson believes this disaster could delay his breakthrough into mainstream cinema by anything up to five years. "Every one of my scripts is painstakingly crafted", he says, or so his interpreter claims, "and to think they were thoughtlessly wasted by this buffoon – it makes me sick".
The man who started it all is 37-year-old Syd Melgro. When he was hired as subtitle writer for Arfax Erotic Productions, Inc., his employers took him on his word when he said he had a PhD in Modern Languages and a working knowledge of everything from Bulgarian to Vietnamese. "He looked so convincing when I interviewed him", said shocked Human Resources Co-ordinator Sandy Vines, who hired him, "even his tattoos were all in foreign languages". It now turns out they were just hopelessly misspelt.
"I feel gutted and betrayed", says long-time porn fan Kevin Meade, unemployed, gesturing towards his groaning shelf of DVDs, "I wouldn't call myself a snob, but I'd always preferred foreign films. But quite frankly, I'll never again believe anything a subtitle says". He talks angrily of one scene where the leading lady is grimacing and (allegedly) grunting "You're hurting me, big boy". He has since discovered it's an out-take, and she's just complaining about the awful wallpaper.
"If you want to enjoy porn these days, you'll just have to take some language courses", he concludes bitterly.