Chelsea today dramatically increased the pressure on Manchester United to sell Wayne Rooney, by offering him a sack of potatoes and the unlimited use of a granny.
Rooney's spokesman said: 'Wayne says that he finds this offer totally unacc - unass - uncc - not on. He's happy with the granny element, but he wants a supply of peanuts as well, so we're in delicate discussions with Manchester United about it.'
Man U's manager, Sir Alex - oh sorry, David Thingy, said: 'Wayne isn't for sale. Is he? Oh is he? So he might be...'