Police admitted today that they are no nearer finding the whereabouts of Status Quo than they were 34 years ago, when they first went missing.
Chief Superintendant Barry Hillier, who is leading the investigation, said today: 'You will remember that the alarm was raised in November 1979, on the release of Living On An Island, which was so unlike their previous songs, and such drivel, that police were immediately alerted.
'We came to the conclusion that they had been kidnapped some time after the release of their previous single, Whatever You Want, a driving rocker which me and the lads at the station used to play air guitar to. This would make it September or October 1979.
'Naturally we questioned the four people pretending to be Status Quo, but they would tell us nothing. Since then they have continued to issue the most appalling half-hearted rubbish, some of it with strings on! They are laughing in the face of the police and the public, issuing records which just get worse and worse, which we interpret as a dare for us to arrest them.
'But until we find the real Francis, Rick, Alan and John, we are powerless. Anyone with information about the whereabouts of the real Status Quo should contact the police immediately.
'Meanwhile all we can do is to urge the public to keep away from the fake Status Quo, as their music may lead to drowsiness and nausea.'