Prince Charles is said to be in a ‘stable but delicate’ condition today after a small measure of Barrogill Whisky to ‘settle nerves’ over the imminent arrival of his first grandchild turned into a ‘serious session in town’, leaving the soon-to-be-grandfather with a ‘ripping hangover’, powerful enough to ‘slay a walrus’.
The Royal bender, which lasted over twenty-four hours, came to an end at 7pm last night when Thames Valley Police fished a semi-naked Charles from the banks of the Thames behind Bishop’s Park, where a large crowd of Chinese tourists had gathered.
PC Rowland, who was first on the scene, said, ‘We had reports of a semi-naked man in his sixties attempting to do the back-stroke in the Thames River signing Bryan Adams’ Summer of ’69. He has now been escorted home. I’m afraid he was not naked from the top upward’.
A Royal Family spokesman released a statement this morning confirming that Charles ‘had a lot of pent-up excitement and nerves’ in the build-up to the birth of his grandchild, and the prospect of ‘being a grandfather’ could have triggered a late mid-life crisis, forcing an ‘impromptu blow-out’. The statement continued: ‘Charles is feeling as rough as toast today and has asked for the public to keep the noise down’.
Speaking outside Buckingham Palace, Prince Harry, who ignored persistent texts from his dad saying ‘come out for a few, don’t be a minge-bag’, said: ‘All dad says he remembers was pouring his second Barrogill, then, after a four hour gap, he recalls doing a tequila speed-stick with "some blonde", then something to do with a stolen toilet seat and an altercation with a Burger King till operator. He’s been really stressed’.