Education Secretary Michael Gove has unveiled controversial plans to make stupid eleven year olds fight to the death in arenas throughout England.
The Minister believes the children's desire to preserve their own lives will improve standards.
A spokesperson for the Department of Education said:
"Stupid children have been holding this country back for decades. MICHAEL GOVE FUCKING HATES STUPID KIDS. We'll test them at eleven and if they fail we'll wheel them off to the local arena.
"Obviously the fight will only be over when one child is dead. Not broken, not sore, not paralysed but dead. The winning child will live to fight another day. Any child that manages to survive until their seventeenth birthday will be given an interview for teacher training college."
The Government have rejected criticism that the plans are barbaric and claimed that making children fight actually gives them more of a chance than eleven year olds who fail their exams.