Disneyland in Orlando, Florida has become the first theme park in the world where staff dressed as adorable, stereotype characters can be shot on sight if they ‘step too close’ or appear to be on the verge of causing emotional trauma in visiting adults and children.
‘I wish I’d known about this earlier,’ complained Wayne Lewinsky whose son has had bad dreams ever since meeting Donald Duck at the park, ‘Jeez If I’d known what I was putting him through and the nightmares he’d suffer I would have brought out my trusty ol’ Smith and Wesson and popped a cap in that sailor-suited feathery Duck’s ass. I stopped myself only because I thought if I did it would be the death penalty, but now I find out it would have been, like, totally legal. D’uh.’
The much maligned Disneyland queuing systems could also improve as citizens come to terms with their new-found powers. ‘If my daughter wants to ride on the Goofy log flume and there’s two hundred people ahead of us she’s obviously going to get upset, and that ain’t good enough for my little princess,’ said Buck from Wisconsin, ‘but all I’d have to do to stop any lasting emotional downside would be to unlatch my M4 assault rifle that I always carry on my thigh and mow them all down to fuck. Uh-huh. That’s right. Check the statute, buddy.’
But with everyone else in the queue thinking the same and packing similar weaponry concerns have been raised that daily queue fights might themselves become one of the most popular attractions on the site, with foreign tourists cheering them on.
‘Florida laws are great aren’t they,’ said Bob from Birmingham, ‘it’s made our visit here very special and the kids have just loved all the killing. They can’t wait to find out what’s happened to Mickey Mouse, Pluto, Snow White and all the others we’ve seen so often on video. I just hope we’re not too late and they’re not already in the morgue.’
‘We’re also hoping to bump into Governor Jeb Bush later,’ added Bob, ‘We’ve all heard so much about him, it’s hard to believe he’s real. He is real, isn’t he?’