The Scottish National Party's attempt to sell the idea of secession from the United Kingdom to its prospective voters began today with a claim that Scotland could survive solely on heavy taxation of Andy Murray's income and a 12% price hike on Tennent's Lager, which outsold milk in Scotland last year by 30%.
The SNP, who estimated Andy Murray's annual income to be in excess of thirty million pounds, claim that a dedicated 95% income tax rate for the sportsman could alone fund the running of all state schools and colleges across the country, and the 12% increase on the price of Tennent's lager, Scotland's favourite beverage, will be 'more than enough' to fund the Scottish Health Service, which is currently over-run by patients suffering addictions to Tennent's Lager.
'Our hospitals are currently under serious strain from the amount of patients admitted with Tennent's Lager related conditions, so it makes sense that the issue should sort of pay for itself', said party leader Alex Salmond. 'And Andy Murray earns some serious wedge playing squash or whatever, so we figure that 5% of his current wage would be more than enough for him to live on. And any of those shiny golden trophies he gets must, by law, be handed in for smelting to help bolster Scotland's gold reserves', he added.
Retired Scottish Formula One star David Coulthard, who said he caught wind of the SNP's plans 'some time ago', has since been granted citizenship in Monaco. The F1 legend claims he had a personal letter sent to his home back in 2011, directly from Alex Salmond.
Coulthard said: 'The letter claimed that, if the 2014 referendum goes the way they hope, then I will be hit with a "David Coulthard Tax", which is essentially extra taxation on absolutely everything I purchase or earn, just on the basis that I am David Coulthard. We packed our shit and headed to Monaco the same morning'.