Sources close to the royal family say there is widespread fear that the yet-to-be-born next-monarch-but-two might be the victim of “accident of birth” syndrome. “This is nothing to do with Kate’s waters breaking in Waitrose and giving birth to the little heir in the back of a black taxi with the help of a royal protection squad dog handler who made sure he washed his hands before entering the history books. This is to do with the cosmic randomness of a new life,” said a source close to Buckingham Palace.
“Chances are this will be a very posh baby indeed, with excellent manners, a talent for talking to people from all walks of life, a passion for good causes, and the prospect of achieving one A level or fewer. He will commit minor youthful indiscretions in the media spotlight and fly helicopters and/or ride horses. Probably. But we can’t rule out the risk that he might appear to be from an ethnic minority, or be a homosexual or even a female,” said the friend of the royal family who preferred not to be named.
Dame Jeanette Smythe continued: “At the moment the Palace risk assessment team is workshopping a scenario where the young new prince develops Tourette’s Syndrome. This was at Prince Charles’s request after he watched “The Madness of King George” on One Loves Film. The workshop involved hiring an unnamed actor (Rory Kinnear) to repeatedly call Nicholas Witchell a “snotgobbling leper”. Nick’s being really sporting about it. The cunt. Tomorrow the team will address a scenario in which the new Prince demands his own brand of cheesey biscuits. All highly remote possibilities, I know” continued Dame Jeanette. “But we can’t risk ruling anything out. This is what the royal household does best. Attention to detail.”