News that vuvuzelas and other musical instruments are to be permitted at this year’s Wimbledon has been greeted enthusiastically by tennis fans as they prepare for the tournament next week. ‘Whilst Wimbledon has always maintained a quiet air of English dignity, it’s fair to say that hitherto the games have lacked a certain atmosphere,’ said Derek Howorth, president of the Lawn Tennis Association. ‘But we are confident that players and fans alike will delight in the addition of the South African horns to the spectator stands, playing such rousing anthems as The Great Escape, Self-Preservation Society and Haydn’s Trumpet Concerto in E flat major.’
Top seeds have been equally enthusiastic about the changes, hoping that the crowd participation will spur them on the sporting greatness. ‘I feel that while I have a solid groundstroke, superb first serve and ability to switch seamlessly from defensive to offensive play, what my game has really been missing is a heartfelt rendition of ‘You Must Have Come in A Taxi’ on a toy trumpet at matchpoint,’ says British hopeful Andy Murray, who is said to be highly amused by plans afoot from foreign supporters to tease him with chants of ‘Devolution’ sung to the tune ‘Bread of Heaven’.
But not all have embraced the changes, fearing that the new measures could bring the tournament into disrepute. ‘It’s an outrage, people are starting to behave like animals,’ said Maude Roxby-Smythe, a regular centre court spectator. ‘Already at Queens, rowdy behaviour was beginning to creep in. I thought taunting Nadal’s opposition with ‘Seven Grand Slams and the Davis Cup’ was uncouth enough. But there’s no respect for the officials. I just hope that no Wimbledon umpire has to suffer the indignity of being questioned as to ‘Who Ate All the Chicken Parfait’.