Coach parties of masochists from all over the British Isles, all wearing uncomfortable underwear, are heading towards Trent Bridge today to watch the Ashes match.
Said one unnamed masochist, Charlie Bookman, an IT specialist from Cambridge: 'I love watching people inflict pain on themselves, and no-one does it better than the England cricket team. Just when it looks that they're in control, they let a 19-year old set a new world record for a number 11. How painful is that! Excuse me - I need to whip myself again...'
Another masochist said: 'I love watching the videos of these matches at home. They are so painful!'
Madam Leather, a well-known dominatrix from Birmingham, will be bringing a coach-load of her slaves. 'I like to humiliate my slaves,' she said. 'And nothing could be more humiliating or embarassing than watching England throw away a test match. That's why we will be going to all five tests.'