In a serious upheaval of playground safety, G4S have won the contract to provide security for the UK's parks. Children as young as two will have their interaction policed and invoiced by the multinational firm. Numerous childhood games will be regulated in a cost efficient manner, with toddlers required to pay a surcharge for games of Red Rover, use of the swings and the cost of being tasered.
Ministers did have the option to keep playground japes in the public sector, but it was felt that parents were too over-regulated and likely to forget the needs of shareholders. Although under investigation by the Serious Fraud Squad, G4S management is confident they can provide their usual level of corruption, incompetence and human rights violations. With operations in 125 countries the private firm hope to physically restrain and verbally abuse children around the world.
The G4S spokesmen was in an apologetic mood: "Yes we've had the odd hiccup with pregnant women being injured or detainees dying in "inexplicable" circumstances; but nothing bad happened to anyone of any importance. We admit bungling nuclear and Olympic security, but how hard can it be to keep tabs on a sand pit and a roundabout? £1000 per child to play kiss chase or catch a ball is small price to pay for security. Once we've got the kiddies bagged and tagged, we'll have them potty trained before you know it "