A spokesman for the Ministry of Defence has confirmed that almost 5,000 soldiers have been made redundant due to the influx of knights since the London Olympics.
“We just don’t have the resources employ so many people while the government is handing out knighthoods willy-nilly. Do you know how long it takes to train a cyclist to use a sword?” He said, clearly angry at the situation. “It’s better than the aging entertainers they usually give us to be fair - I guess we have the BBC sex scandals to thank for that.”
More pressure is expected to be heaped on the armed forces after Andy Murray becoming the first British man to win Wimbledon for 77 years led to calls for him to become a Sir. However, as a Scot, he is already trained in using bladed weapons so his potential knighthood is being seen as a positive.
Although wars have not been fought with swords for over a century, it is believed the Conservative government are aware that their damaging, backwards policies may reverse the countries progress and return us to a time where knights are required.
Privately, Downing Street is hoping for a poor Ashes series to ensure no more sportsmen are given honours this summer, giving them time to start a new war and thin the herd before the Olympic games in Rio 2016. Severe cuts to sport funding in the name of austerity is lessening our chances of another successful games and preventing this situation arising again.
The Lions unconvincing victory down under is thought to have saved at least a few jobs in this round of cuts, although the government does have a strict policy of not rewarding Welsh success anyway.
The Ministry of Defence spokesman chuckled while confirming that the World Cup in Brazil next year is not causing them any concern.