All eyes are on Texas this week as it takes over the contract to execute everyone convicted of a capital crime in China. Places like North Korea and Saudi Arabia are believed to be watching closely. If they're impressed enough with the service provided by Texas and follow China's example, the Lone Star State could be looking at a major employment boom as the world capital of lethal injection.
“They may be good at turning out smartphones and cheap clothing over there in China”, says Corrections Supervisor Martin Glade proudly, “but here in Texas we execute people better than anywhere else in the world. We're not ones to leave a job half done. I often thought it was such a shame having that lethal injection chamber lying idle most of the year with dust gathering on the equipment”.
After a couple of “unfortunate incidents” where some condemned prisoners were very inefficiently dispatched, the People's Republic executed the incompetent functionaries responsible and turned over all of their capital punishment to the acknowledged experts in the field.
The first group of prisoners has arrived and are settling in at Houston's Lico Correctional Facility. “We've had a few problems getting them here”, admits Mr Glade. “Obviously, someone who's been condemned to death can hardly be of good character, so the Immigration and Naturalization Service kicked up a stink over this and objected to them as undesirable aliens. But when they saw it was in such a good cause, they relented and generously fast-tracked their Green Cards”.
“The prisoners seem to appreciate the difference here”, Mr Glade continues, “the air conditioning on Death Row is way better than anything you'd get in China, and here in Houston we have some of the best Chinese takeaways in Texas, so that's their last meals taken care of when the time comes. Hell, if I was going to be executed, I think I'd pick Texas over any other place in the world”.