Labour Party policy will in future be determined through a secretive bidding process conducted in smokey gentlemen's clubs, party leader Ed Milliband has announced.
Following years of transparency, the opposition party has determined to obfuscate its sources of funding to avoid any uncomfortable discussion about donor influence.
At a press conference today, Milliband said: "The voting public are fed up with visibility and accountability. What they want is mystery, intrigue and a faint whiff of corruption. They don't want a government that is on their side, but one they can mistrust and blame.
"We thank Unite for attempting to provide this for the Labour Party, but we simply have to accept that the parties currently in government are just way ahead of us.
"In our 13 years in power, we failed to give our donors the radical agenda they were demanding. We continued the erosion of workers' rights and stomped social mobility into the ground. Whereas the Conservative party have, in just a short time, delivered an outrageous goody bag of unpopular and nationally detrimental policies at the behest of their donors. We must aspire to offer that kind of value."
Milliband went on to suggest that the disbanding of the NHS might be secured for around £7,000,000 and that a tax break for the super-rich was near certainty as his family would this year be summering on Lakshmi Mittal's yacht.