Coalition Ministers had been concerned that the rising cost of energy prices and improved life expectancy, would prevent them reaching their austerity targets. Fortunately by adopting China’s "free-coal" policy, it is hoped that the Government can maintain their commitment to social spending while polluting the over-60s into an early grave.
Chinese Officials have proudly managed to shave 5.5 years off life expectancy, or as Tory officials described it: “half decade of welfare sponging”. One Eugenicist explained: “It’s a delicate balance between caring and supporting the weakest in society, but not really wanting to pay for it. If a few more people would have the good grace to pop their clogs a little earlier we could make serious inroads into the deficit. And if that means giving them a helping hand or a little push in the right direction…”
A spokesmen for the Department for Work and Pensions commented: “Housing and hospital waiting lists can easily be trimmed by putting asbestos back into our public buildings. Food Banks with be encouraged to only stock items past their sell-by-date. Non-Academies will have carcinogenic school uniforms, while all Social Security payments will be lead-coated. And those on disability allowance should not be concerned by the large badger suits they will be required to wear.”