In a bold move to cut the number of unnecessary gas guzzling 4x4s on our roads, a new government scheme is attempting to target the primary culprits: owners of white 4x4s, otherwise known as ‘small men with small penises’. ‘Our research has shown that drivers of large white 4x4s would downsize their cars if they could upsize in the trouser department. We are now giving them that option’ commented a government spokesman.
One owner of a white range rover with body kit and 22 inch alloys, Mr Dehaviland, commented from his vehicle whilst occupying two spaces in a Waitrose car park, ‘The idea that I am over compensating is preposterous' he exclaimed from his elevated position significantly aided by a booster cushion. 'I blame the economy, the only reason my £90,000 range rover is in white is because I couldn’t quite afford the £800 metallic paint cost option'. Though Mr Dehaviland did acknowledge that this cost saving was undermined by having to now pay more to keep the white paintwork clean – mainly led by his wife who was very keen for their valeter 'Rodriguez’ to come round twice as often.
But the policy won’t just effect men. Mothers who take their children to school in oversized off-roaders will now be required to prove that at least 50 metres of their school run is undertaken off-road while using the low-range gears. This is expected to reduce the number of 4x4s used for school runs by approximately 100%.
The government is confident its new scheme will be successful. Their tests showed that the male subjects who volunteered for penis enlargements gave up their 4x4s within weeks of the procedure. One such driver didn’t even buy a replacement car, he now chooses to walk everywhere in nothing but a pair of tight white speedos 'so the ladies can see what he’s packing under the bonnet’. The government did acknowledge that a side effect of the penis enlargement could be that the subject simply becomes an even bigger dick.