In what will no doubt be the first of many big sponsorship deals, agents for the Wimbledon champion were pleased to announce a six figure promotions contract with the much maligned Chinese Lantern industry. Ending Britain’s 77 year wait for a Wimbledon champion, Murray is expected to soon challenge James Corden’s billionaire dollar advertising monopoly.
Having lost the valuable Poundland franchise after the Smethwick fire and fearing a nationwide ban, Chinese Lanterns PLC are confident that the “Murray Shield” will act like asbestos - “the good kind that is”. Unfortunately initial attempts to rebrand the Lanterns as “Scots-lanterns” have run into a trademark dispute with the manufacturers of crack pipes from Glasgow's Drumchapel estate.
Prime Minister David Cameron has already announced that Murray will now have access to a series of medieval rights; including eating swans, mating with any beefeater of "child bearing" age and being allowed to punch the Queen’s corgis on the first of every month. The Roman Catholic Church in Scotland, have hinted that Murray may well be joining Pope John Paul II in sainthood. They have confirmed that a British win at Wimbledon is the second attributable miracle to Mr. Murray; the first being “the miracle of pulling Kim Sears”. He has even been approached by the Duke & Duchess of Cambridge to become the next Royal Nanny. Murray is seen as an ideal choice with his strong maternal forearms, nurturing grimace and ability to lactate Irn Bru.
Publicists hope that association with the Murray name will provide a much needed boost to other flagging brands; these include the “Andy Murray’s National Curriculum”, “Murray’s News Corps” and “Andy Murray – the new Saatchi body double”. The only incident to mar the celebratory mood is the shock paternity claims by Alex Salmond. Self-acknowledged “father of all things good to come from Scotland”, Mr Salmond claims to have mated with Nessy twenty seven years ago, while “off his t**s” on deep fried whiskey.