In an unparalleled show of strength, the Labour Leader has comprehensively cut off all ties with the electorate. Having become acutely aware that the appearance of chasing voter approval may jeopardize his chances of winning the next General Election, Mr. Miliband is to adopt a strategy of hiding from his own shadow.
Challenging accusations that he had courted popularity, Mr. Miliband has introduced a restraining order against any Union member and deliberately leaked his own PMQ’s notes to avoid any hint of left wing bias.
Facing down criticism that Mr. Miliband has been seen in public wearing a series of false beards, affecting a Geordie accent and a limp; a Party spokeswoman explained that it was in no one’s best interest for Mr. Miliband to be recognized as a Labour Leader. “Ed can't talk now. He’s currently submerged in an isolation tank,” said the spokeswoman. “But I can confirm we are moving our base of operations to a cave in Afghanistan. Ed needs to distance himself from the hurly burly of fulfilling his constitutional role of trying to make the country better through effective opposition. Using a series of meditative exercises he hopes to reach a higher plane of consciousness, where people and their votes don’t matter.”
Tom Watson was the first of the shadow cabinet to endorse Ed's leadership by resigning. Naturally Mr. Watson could think of no better way to support the Labour Leader by not supporting the Labour Leader. In a carefully worded, crayon-based, statement Ed insisted "It was right that he went...”. An aide explained: “Losing the party’s campaign co-coordinator sends the electorate a clear message that we are serious about not getting elected …whatever you do, do not go near a voting booth.” The rest of Labour’s front bench confirmed that they will continue to stand shoulder to shoulder with Ed but from a safe distance.
A senior Labour strategist explained: “In a time when the nation is in desperate need for a cogent Opposition, this is exactly the moment that Ed needs to show his independence. Appealing to voters is just pandering. Ed is too strong for that. He resolutely resists the urge to develop policies. Attacking the coalition is just what people want. But Ed’s his own man. Did I mention his strength? Or his independence?"
What about rumors that Ed is related to voters?
"He denies any connection to the womb of a voter and any reference to an umbilical cord is slanderous. Admittedly there was a Mr. D. Miliband registered as a Labour supporter but I’m confident that’s one endorsement we won’t be getting. What would Ed do if elected? Oh, exactly like the other guys...just better ”