Conservative Member of Parliament for Winchester Sir Augustus Gideon-Blake has called on families living in the town of Poverty to leave the area.
He told reporters: “Honestly the place sounds utterly ghastly. Low success rates and even lower life expectancy. High incidence of disease and illness. We don’t have such barbaric towns down south; once you get past Coventry it’s absolutely beautiful. Why don’t they just move?”
Poverty has been in the news recently as the government’s austerity measures cause belt-tightening across the land, with low-income families and those on benefits the hardest hit – the main demographic of Poverty.
Sir Augustus however was bullish about the prospects of those aiming to leave the stricken town.
“Say, in my own town, Walthamstow-upon-Thames, we have a delightful 4-bedroom cottage up for sale that I know would be perfect for a nice family from Poverty. At only £1.4m it’s an absolute steal considering the view and the excellent public school just a short Bentley ride away, and I could even persuade the local community to allow a working class family in, since the current alternative is a mixed race couple.”
With unemployment numbers rising during the recession, lack of opportunities have left many people trapped in whatever job they can find, even working part-time to support their family. However Sir Augustus says they have nothing to fear.
“Gosh, there are plenty of jobs going around here! I can’t even count the number of investment banker friends of mine who have left the country in the last year for tax reasons, leaving open some fantastic positions.
“Not to mention how hard it is to get a shoe-polisher with a decent grasp of English anymore! My wing-tips and my brogues simply cannot be treated the same, but try telling this to Tomasz or Samir and they just nod like a couple of performing minstrels!”
Lifelong Poverty resident Michael Keenan was skeptical of the MP’s plans, saying: “What the fuck are brogues?”