The Vatican committee has now attributed the deceased pontiff with the miracle of "turning Paedophiles into Pillars of Society". The Congregation for the Causes of Saints ruled that transformations involving water, wine or pillars of salt were "soooo Old Testament" and that only a truly contemporary Saint could purify the image of such an evil "f**kwit" as Jimmy Savile.
Never troubled by the concept of background checks, hypocrisy or a modicum of doubt, the then Pope merrily made the 1970s' horror-show a Knight Commander of St Gregory the Great. In fact the year 1990 turned out to be a bumper period for miracles for the Bishop of Rome. The second confirmed wonder came in September as John Paul II created the "turning-unprotected-sex-into-an-HIV-epidemic" Miracle, following a helpful speech he gave in the small Tanzania town of Mwanza. Rightfully identifying condoms as sin in "any circumstances", John Paul II showed that a theological education easily trumps seven years at medical school.
A Vatican spokesman said: "Financial scandals, dysfunctional management, clerical sex abuse scandals would not normally look good on a Line-Manager's CV but Cardinals and Bishops are renowned for their open minded approach. By happy coincidence the main beneficiary of John Paul II's fast-tracking of sainthoods in 1983, turns out to be a Mr.J.Paul, c/o Rome." Pope Francis must now give his approval before a canonisation date is set. One insider admitted: "If we can make this guy a Saint and the last fella was in the Hitler Youth, we're thinking our Jesuit boy can get away with some crazy s**t."
John Paul II died in 2005 aged 84...oh, so did a lot of children in Africa...heigh ho.