The man was found in a dishevelled and conflustered state wandering around on the High Street in the early hours by a passing constable.
"He looked a bit frightened to me," said PC Nutkins, who discovered the bewildered man. "So I approached him to ask him if he was all right. He had a faraway look in his eye, and he said something about being revved up like a deuce and some runner in the night. It sort of struck me as a trifle odd, so I decided to keep an eye on him."
The man then wandered up to the memorial fountain and was copiously sick in the reflecting pool.
PC Nutkins approached the man again to enquire after his wellness and the man started into a rambling monologue about madmen, drummers, bummers and Indians with diplomats and other related nonsense.
"I told him to step back," said PC Nutkins. "To be honest, I was a bit confused. And then he started rabbiting on about calliopes falling out of the sky. I don't even know what a calliope is - so that aroused my gut instinct as a lawman for a start. Then when he started going on about Mozart checking out the weather chart, and going on about being revved up like deuce again I nicked the bastard. He obviously had issues, so I pepper sprayed him, poked him in the throat with me baton, grounded him by the hair, knee-dropped him in the back and cuffed him. He's been sectioned now under the Mental Health Act. You can't be too careful these days. It's all well and good talking shite into a microphone in a recording studio - but on the streets it just scares people."
The man was last seen being escorted into custody whilst shouting: "I want you to play with my ding-a-ling!"
Local civil rights groups are advising anyone who witnessed the incident to sue whoever they possibly can on the grounds of PTSD.
PC Nutkins is currently on sick leave and is expected to sue the police for failing to provide a safe working environment.
The incident received a mixed reaction from Mail Online readers.